The Gondoliers

We’re Called Gondolieri
David (Marco) Matthew (Giuseppe)

We’re called gondolieri,
But that’s a vagary,
It’s quite honorary
The trade that we ply.
For gallantry noted
Since we were short-coated,
To beauty devoted,
Are Giuseppe/Marco and I

When morning is breaking,
Our couches forsaking,
To greet their awaking
With carols we come.
At summer day’s nooning,
When weary lagooning,
Our mandolins tuning,
We lazily thrum.
When vespers are ringing,
To hope ever clinging,
With songs of our singing
A vigil we keep,
When daylight is fading,
Enwrapt in night’s shading,
With soft serenading
We sing them to sleep.
We’re called gondolieri, etc.

Here Is A Case Unprecedented!
David (Marco) Matthew (Giuseppe) Phoebe (Gianetta) and Amy (Tessa)

ALL.Here is a case unprecedented!
Here are a King and Queen ill-starred!
Ever since marriage was first invented
Never was known a case so hard!
Mar. and Giu.I may be said to have been bisected,
By a profound catastrophe!
Gia. and Tess.Through a calamity unexpected
I am divisible into three!
All.O moralists all,
How can you call
Marriage a state of unitee,
When excellent husbands are bisected,
And wives divisible into three?
O moralists all,
How can you call
Marriage a state of union true?

The Mikado

Madrigal – Brightly Dawns Our Wedding Day Phoebe, Amy, David and Matthew

Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal –
Fal-la – fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow –
I today and thou tomorrow;
This the close of every song –
Ding dong! Ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal
Fal-la — fal-la! etc.

Here’s A How-De-Do! Phoebe (Yum-Yum) David (Nanki-Poo) and Simon (Ko-Ko)

Yum.Here’s a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered, too!
Here’s a how-de-do!
Nank.Here’s a pretty mess!
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I’m shedding
Witness my distress,
Here’s a pretty mess!
Ko.Here’s a state of things!
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn’t seem to suit her notion
Burial it brings!
Here’s a state of things!

The Yeomen of the Guard

Strange Adventure! Phoebe, Amy, David & Matthew

ALL.Strange adventure! Maiden wedded
To a groom she’s never seen –
Never, never, never seen!
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green!
Tower, Tower, Tower Green!
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing –
Pretty maid of seventeen!
Seven – seven – seventeen!

Strange adventure that we’re trolling:
Modest maid and gallant groom –
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom! –
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom!
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom!
Modest maiden will not tarry;
Though but sixteen year she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb –
Tower – Tower – Tower tomb!

Hereupon we’re Both Agreed Simon (Jack Point) and Matthew (Wilfred Shadbolt)

BOTH.Hereupon we’re both agreed,
All that we two
Do agree to
We’ll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.

POINT.You on Elsie are to call
With a story
Grim and gory;

WILFRED.How this Fairfax died, and all
I declare to
You’re to swear to.

POINT.I to swear to!
WILFRED.I declare to!
POINT.I to swear to!
WILFRED.I declare to,

BOTH.Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heaven defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

BOTH.In return for my own part
You are/I am making
Undertaking,
To instruct me/you in the art
(Art amazing,
Wonder raising)

POINT.Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position –
High ambition!

WILFRED.And a lively one I’ll be,
Wag-a-wagging,
Never flagging!

POINT.Wag-a-wagging!
WILFRED.Never flagging,
POINT.Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED.Never flagging,

BOTH.Tell a tale of cock and bull, etc.

HMS Pinafore

I’m Called Little Buttercup Amy (Buttercup)

Hail, men-o’-war’s men – safeguards of your nation,
Here is an end, at last, of all privation;
You’ve got your pay – spare all you can afford
To welcome Little Buttercup on board.
I’m called Little Buttercup – dear Little Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why,
But still I’m called Buttercup – poor little Buttercup,
Sweet Little Buttercup I!
I’ve snuff and tobaccy, and excellent jacky,
I’ve scissors, and watches, and knives;
I’ve ribbons and laces to set off the faces
Of pretty young sweethearts and wives.
I’ve treacle and toffee, I’ve tea and I’ve coffee,
Soft tommy and succulent chops;
I’ve chickens and conies, and pretty polonies,
And excellent peppermint drops.
Then buy of your Buttercup – dear Little Buttercup;
Sailors should never be shy;
So, buy of your Buttercup – poor Little Buttercup;
Come, of your Buttercup buy!

Never Mind The Why And Wherefore
Simon (Sir Joseph), Matthew (Captain) & Phoebe (Josephine)

Capt.Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though his lordship’s station’s mighty,
Though stupendous be his brain,
Though your tastes are mean and flighty
And your fortune poor and plain,
Capt. andRing the merry bells on board-ship,
Sir Joseph.Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of lordship
With a humble captain’s child!
Capt.For a humble captain’s daughter –
Jos.For a gallant captain’s daughter –
Sir Joseph.And a lord who rules the water –
Jos. (aside). And a tar who ploughs the water!
All.Let the air with joy be laden,
Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a maiden
With the man who owns her love!
Sir Joseph.Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though your nautical relation (alluding to Capt.)
In my set could scarcely pass –
Though you occupy a station
In the lower middle class –
Capt. andRing the merry bells on board-ship,
Sir Joseph.Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of lordship
With a humble captain’s child!
Capt.For a humble captain’s daughter –
Jos.For a gallant captain’s daughter –
Sir Joseph.And a lord who rules the water –
Jos. (aside).And a tar who ploughs the water!
All.Let the air with joy be laden,
Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a maiden
With the man who owns her love!
Jos.Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore
I admit the jurisdiction;
Ably have you played your part;
You have carried firm conviction
To my hesitating heart.
Capt. andRing the merry bells on board-ship,
Sir Joseph.Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of lordship
With a humble captain’s child!
Capt.For a humble captain’s daughter –
Jos.For a gallant captain’s daughter –
Sir Joseph.And a lord who rules the water –
Jos. (aside).And a tar who ploughs the water!
(Aloud.)Let the air with joy be laden.
Capt. and Sir Joseph. Ring the merry bells on board-ship –
Jos.For the union of a maiden –
Capt. and Sir Joseph. For her union with his lordship.
All.Rend with songs the air above
For the man who owns her love!

The Pirates of Penzance

Oh, is There Not One Maiden Breast David (Frederic)

FRED.Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?

GIRLS. Alas! there’s not one maiden breast
Which seems to feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty!

FRED.Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man’s affection?
To such an one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven’s arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be – I’ll love you!

GIRLS.Alas! there’s not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man’s affection!

Poor Wandering One Phoebe (Mabel)

Poor wandering one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wandering one!
Poor wandering one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind –
Why, take it, it is thine!
Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart – take mine!

I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General Simon (Major-General)

GEN.I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news –
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

ALL.With many cheerful facts, etc.

GEN.I’m very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL.In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GEN.I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s;
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

ALL.And whistle all the airs, etc.

GEN.Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL.In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GEN.In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin”,
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat”,
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery;
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

ALL.You’ll say a better Major-General, etc.

GEN.For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL.But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

When a Felon’s Not Engaged in His Employment Matthew (Sergeant of Police)

When a felon’s not engaged in his employment –
Or maturing his felonious little plans –
His capacity for innocent enjoyment –
Is just as great as any honest man’s –
Our feelings we with difficulty smother –
When constabulary duty’s to be done –
Ah, take one consideration with another –
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.
Ah, when constabulary duty’s to be done, to be done,
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one, happy one.

When the enterprising burglar’s not a-burgling –
When the cut-throat isn’t occupied in crime –
He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling –
And listen to the merry village chime –
When the coster’s finished jumping on his mother –
Ah, take one consideration with another –
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.
Ah, when constabulary duty’s to be done, to be done,
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one, happy one.

All Is Prepared Phoebe (Mabel) & David (Frederic)

MABEL.All is prepared, your gallant crew await you.
My Frederic in tears? It cannot be
That lion-heart quails at the coming conflict?
FRED.No, Mabel, no. A terrible disclosure
Has just been made. Mabel, my dearly-loved one,
I bound myself to serve the pirate captain
Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday –
MABEL.But you are twenty-one?
FRED.I’ve just discovered
That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday
Will not be reached by me till nineteen forty!
MABEL.Oh, horrible! catastrophe appalling!
FRED.And so, farewell!
MABEL.No, no! Ah, Frederic, hear me.

MABEL.Stay, Frederic, stay!
They have no legal claim,
No shadow of a shame
Will fall upon thy name.
Stay, Frederic, stay!

FRED.Nay, Mabel, nay!
Tonight I quit these walls,
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern Duty calls,
I must obey.

MABEL.Ah, leave me not to pine
Alone and desolate;
No fate seemed fair as mine,
No happiness so great!
And Nature, day by day,
Has sung in accents clear
This joyous roundelay,
“He loves thee – he is here.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la, la-la”.

FRED.Ah, must I leave thee here
In endless night to dream,
Where joy is dark and drear,
And sorrow all supreme –
Where nature, day by day,
Will sing, in altered tone,
This weary roundelay,
“He loves thee – he is gone.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la, la-la.”

FRED.In 1940 I of age shall be,
I’ll then return, and claim you – I declare it!
MABEL.It seems so long!
FRED.Swear that, till then, you will be true to me.
MABEL.Yes, I’ll be strong!
By all the Stanleys dead and gone, I swear it!

BOTH.Oh, here is love, and here is truth,
And here is food for joyous laughter:
He/She will be faithful to his/her sooth
Till we are wed, and even after.

 

Iolanthe

The Sentry’s Song Matthew (Private Willis)

When all night long a chap remains
On sentry-go, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
That is, assuming that he’s got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you.
I often think it’s comical – Fal, lal, la!
How Nature always does contrive – Fal, lal, la!
That every boy and every gal
That’s born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal, lal, la!

When in that House M.P.’s divide,
If they’ve a brain and cerebellum, too,
They’ve got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leaders tell ’em to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of dull M. P.’s in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let’s rejoice with loud Fal la – Fal la la!
That Nature always does contrive – Fal lal la!
That every boy and every gal
That’s born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal lal la!

If You Go In Simon (Lord Chancellor), Matthew (Mountararat) & David (Tolloller)

LORD MOUNT.If you go in
You’re sure to win –
Yours will be the charming maidie:
Be your law
The ancient saw,
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”

ALL.Never, never, never,

“Faint heart never won fair lady!”
Every journey has an end –
When at the worst affairs will mend –
Dark the dawn when day is nigh –
Hustle your horse and don’t say die!

LORD TOLL.He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind –
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”

ALL.Never, never, never,
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”
While the sun shines make your hay –
Where a will is, there’s a way –
Beard the lion in his lair –
None but the brave deserve the fair!

LORD CH.I’ll take heart
And make a start –
Though I fear the prospect’s shady –
Much I’d spend
To gain my end –
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”

ALL.Never, never, never,
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”
Nothing venture, nothing win –
Blood is thick, but water’s thin –
In for a penny, in for a pound –
It’s Love that makes the world go round!

 

 

Patience

Silvered is the Raven Hair. Amy (Lady Jane)

Sad is that woman’s lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to “dim her eyes!”
Compelled, at last, in life’s uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved “combings”,
Reduced, with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly grey,
To “make up” for lost time as best she may!

Silvered is the raven hair,
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!

Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I –
There will be too much of me
In the coming by-and-bye!

When I Go Out of Door Simon (Bunthorne) & Matthew (Grosvenor)

BUNTHORNE.When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And “High diddle diddle”
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!

BOTH.A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-æsthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!

GROSVENOR.Conceive me, if you can,
An every-day young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban “hops”
More fun than “Monday Pops”,
Who’s fond of his dinner,
And doesn’t get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.

BOTH.A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man,
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday,
Every-day young man!

BUNTHORNE.A Japanese young man,
A blue-and-white young man,
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

GROSVENOR.A Chancery lane young man,
A Somerset House young man,
A very delectable, highly respectable
Threepenny-bus young man!

BUNTHORNE.A pallid and thin young man,
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!

GROSVENOR.A Sewell & Cross young man,
A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle – “What’s the next article?” –
Waterloo House young man!

BUNTHORNE.GROSVENOR.
Conceive me, if you can,Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man,A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-æsthetical,An alphabetical, arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man!Everyday young man!

Princess Ida

Who Thou Has Chained David (Hilarion)

Whom thou has chained must wear his chain,
Thou canst not set him free,
He wrestles with his bonds in vain
Who lives by loving thee!
If heart of stone for heart of fire,
Be all thou hast to give,
If dead to my heart’s desire,
Why should I wish to live?

CYR., FLOR. & LADIES.Have mercy, O Lady!

No word of thine – no stern command
Can teach my heart to rove,
Then rather perish by thy hand,
Than live without thy love!
A loveless life apart from thee
Were hopeless slavery,
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear to die?

LADIES.Have mercy! Have mercy!

 

The Mikado

The Flowers That Bloom In The Spring David (Nanki-Poo) & Simon (Ko-Ko)

Nank.The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine —
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la.
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that’s what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All.Tra la la la, etc.
Ko.The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Having nothing to do with the case.
I’ve got to take under my wing, Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face,
And that’s what I mean when I say, or I sing,
‘Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring.’
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All.Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.

 

Alone, And Yet Alive! Amy (Katisha)
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body’s prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give –
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love’s sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?

On A Tree By A River Simon (Ko-Ko)

On a tree by a river a little tom-tit
Sang ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
And. I said to him, “Dicky-bird, why do you sit
“Singing ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow’?”
“Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?” I cried,
“Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?”
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
He slapped at his chest, as. he sat on that bough,
Singing ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide’s grave
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That ‘twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’

There is Beauty in the Bellow of the Blast Amy (Katisha) and Simon (Ko-Ko)

Kat.There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent outpouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!
Ko.Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!
Kat.Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who’s scientific
There is nothing that’s terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!
Ko.Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It’s a passion fora flight of thunderbolts!
Both.If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we’ll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
Ko.There is beauty in extreme old age –
Do you fancy you are elderly enough?
Information I’m requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is a maiden all the better when she’s tough?
Kat.Throughout this wide dominion
It’s the general opinion
That she’ll last a good deaf longer when she’s tough.
Ko.Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won’t you wait until you’re eighty in the shade?
There’s a fascination frantic
In a ruin that’s romantic;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?
Kat.To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
Both.If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we’ll go.
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!

Utopia Limited

Act II Finale The Company

There’s a little group of isles beyond the wave–
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is–
That nation is the bravest of the brave,
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities.
The proudest nations kneel at her command;
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions;
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand
With half a score invincible battalions!

Such, at least, is the tale
Which is born on the gale,
From the island which dwells in the sea.
Let us hope, for her sake
That she makes no mistake–
That she’s all the professes to be!

Oh, may we copy all her maxims wise,
And imitate her virtues and her charities;
And may we, by degrees, acclimatize
Her Parliamentary peculiarities!
By doing so, we shall in course of time,
Regenerate completely our entire land–
Great Britain is the monarchy sublime,
To which some add (others do not) Ireland.
Such at least is the tale, etc.